How to Survive 25 (or more) Years of Marriage

Keeping it together since 1988

My husband Kevin and I will be celebrating our 28th wedding anniversary this year. No small feat, for sure.

What’s our secret to a thriving midlife marriage, besides not killing each other in our sleep?

Being married for a quarter century or more takes a lot of work, but I’ve boiled it down to a few key “staying strategies.”

Fight the good fight.

Every couple argues, but if you want to fight and stay married, you need to abide by a few rules so you don’t end up in divorce court, as Vikki Claflin points out in her recent Laugh Lines blog post. I’m especially prone to pulling a “kitchen sink” as Vikki calls it, where I lose focus on the disagreement at hand and argue (for the 147th time) about something that happened 16 years ago. Echoing the words of Elsa in Frozen, I just need to “let it go.”

Celebrate what works in your marriage.

You’ve both got a great sense of humor? Fantastic! Binge-watch Seinfeld together. You’re a morning person and he’s a night owl? Great—enjoy some alone time to bookend each day. You’re a planner and he’s a free spirit? Terrific! Combine forces to stay on track in life with some built-in flexibility. Do whatever works for your relationship to keep it going strong another 25 years.

Recognize the good stuff.

When he does the dishes for a change, pat him on the back. (Ignore the fact that you’ve done the dishes the past 7,500 nights in a row without so much as an acknowledging nod from him.) When she cooks an amazing, made-from-scratch meal instead of popping open a box of Hamburger Helper, point out how much you appreciate her cooking prowess. Everyone likes to feel like they’ve done a good job or made a difference. Would it kill you to say, “Thanks, hon”? And sometimes, as Kim Bongiorno points out on Let Me Start By Saying, recognizing the good stuff is simply being able to tolerate each other after all these years.

Keep things real.

Do you really expect him to complete a household project with only one trip to Home Depot when every honey-do project since 1988 has required at least four trips? Do you really expect her to remember to buy mint chocolate chip ice cream if you don’t write it down on the perpetual shopping list she’s kept posted by the fridge for 25 years? Take a cue from Lois Alter Mark at Midlife at the Oasis and keep expectations real if you want to stay married forever. Face the fact that, no, you’re not going to change him/her after a few decades. It is what it is.

Compromise.

You need a Fixer-Upper fix with Chip and Joanna Gaines, but he’s craving Shark Tank for a dose of Mark Cuban? Record your show and watch his now. She wants to order a pizza and you want a home-cooked meal? Order the pizza or offer to cook. Really, it’s that simple. Like my kids learned in kindergarten, “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” Just take one for the team and move on already. It’s not worth losing a Friday night—or a marriage—over.

Laugh. At everything.

Seriously, other than catastrophic illnesses, bankruptcy and infidelity, most things can be assuaged with a good, hearty laugh. Find the funny in a bounced check, a ruined vacation, a disastrous plumbing project, a forgotten anniversary. Sometimes you might need to put a little distance (in some cases, a lot of distance) between you and “the incident” before you find it funny. But after the sting of a bad situation wears off, laugh about it. Some of the best memories evolve from some of life’s biggest hiccups. Embrace the screw-ups with a chuckle.

Be best friends.

There’s a definite need for girl/guy friends in your life, but your spouse should be the one you run to with your best/worst news. Like Marcia Kester Doyle says on her Menopausal Mother blog, “He doesn’t have a problem with hitting the drugstore in his pajamas at 2:00 a.m. for a tube of Monistat and a bottle of Pepto Bismol. He’ll grab a six pack of beer while he’s there and tell the checkout lady that he’s hosting a helluva party.” Stuff like that will carry your marriage for 25 years.