So I’m out shopping the other day and…wait, back up. Have I really reached the point in life where shopping (which used to mean “fun, leisurely jaunts to my favorite clothing and book stores”) now means a quick run to pick up toilet paper, cat litter and drain cleaner?
Anyway, I’m out “shopping” and my cell phone rings.
“Mom, what’s for lunch?” asks my 15yo son “P,” calling from our kitchen.
(Apparently, I possess the ability to see inside our fridge from the men’s sock aisle in Target.)
“Well, I just bought lunch meat and cheese yesterday, so there’s plenty of stuff for sandwiches,” I say, as I virtually peer into our fridge’s deli drawer from five miles away.
“Do we have bread?” asks P.
“I think so,” I reply, as I try to juggle my cell phone while sorting through a stack of coupons. “Why don’t you check to make sure?”
“Where?” P asks, perplexed. (This brilliant question, from the kid taking Algebra II Honors this year.)
“Try the bread box,” I say knowingly and with great sarcasm that he doesn’t seem to pick up on.
“Oh, yeah. We’ve got a whole loaf,” he says, almost surprised to have found this new “bread box contraption” heretofore undiscovered in his 15 years on Earth.
I possess great powers in my house – magical powers that allow me to see through walls and even see across many miles. I know if we’re out of milk, even when I’m not standing in front of the fridge with the door open. I know who left the toilet seat up in the bathroom. I know whose turn it is to bring in the trash cans. And I know when my kids are on their cell phones, even if they are both upstairs in their rooms, not making a sound. (Quiet = teens on screens. Fighting with each other = not on screens. Duh.)
Even Kevin (my husband) does not wield this wily magic that only I possess:
“Where’s the oven mitt?” Kevin might ask when he needs to get a pizza out of the oven.
“In the drawer where it’s been since we moved here 18 years ago,” I reply with great authority.
I. Am. Amazing.
Next up: Part 2 (Dad’s Magic)
OMG that was so funny! You “do” have those magical powers…….I knew it! I think you got them from me.
Yep, I inherited my Mother Magic from you. I always said you had eyes in the back of your head because you knew what I was up to even when you couldn’t see me.
SO funny and SO true Lisa!
Ironically, as I’m replying to your comment, T shouted from upstairs, “Hey Mom, do we have any lunchmeat left?” Seriously, this just happened.