Being a writer is kind of like being a teenage girl. One minute, you’re facing soul-crushing rejection; the next minute, you’re elated over a “he-likes-me” moment. Throw in a dash of overanalyzing other people’s words or behavior, and it’s an emotional roller coaster for sure.
Only instead of dealing with teen angst and boyfriend troubles, writers face a special brand of insecurity and rejection: doubt about our writing ability, unengaged readers, mean comments from internet trolls, the silence of a bombed social media promotional post and a steady stream of “no thanks” from editors. And the ratio of editorial hits to misses seems to wax and wane more than the moon. Some weeks we’re on fire and other weeks we can barely write a clever, typo-free Facebook post.
Fortunately, most of us freelance writers make a boatload of money, so it makes all the anxiety worthwhile (said with great sarcasm).
Nevertheless, today I got another “no thanks.” While it’s better than hearing nothing at all (trust me, a writer wants closure, even if it’s a “don’t let the door hit ya on the way out”), getting a rejection always stings. And it usually kicks our overanalyzing nature into high gear, making us wonder what an editor’s rejection really means. In fact, writers might wonder any (or all) of the following, sometimes even spiraling into a negative vortex of unrelated self-doubt:
- Did I pitch the article to the wrong editor?
- To the wrong website/publication?
- Is the article not funny enough?
- Is it not funny at all?
- Am I not good enough?
- Should I quit?
- Am I too old to restart my career?
- Is that another wrinkle?
- Is my failure setting a bad example for my kids?
- Am I a bad parent?
- Why don’t we have any more wine?
- WHERE’S THE WINE?
Yes, the self-doubt can get the best of us (and by us, I mean me). So, on days when we’re not thinking clearly and plagued by self-doubt, here’s how writers might interpret the rejection email received today, this time for a humor writing contest.
What an Editor Says: Thank you for entering the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition.
What Writers Hear: Thank you for bogging down the selection process with your sub-par entry. If you were one of our talented winners, we would have started this email with “Congratulations!” We know you got momentarily excited to see “Erma Bombeck Writing Competition” in the subject line. But you didn’t really think you had a chance, did you? (Writers can almost hear the editor’s virtual laughter at our hope, self-confidence and naivete.)
Editor: We had 463 entries this year from countries including Austria, New Zealand, Canada, and Spain, and all but two U.S. states.
Writers: You are a loser, not just in the United States, but all over the world! (Yay, us! Go big or go home, right?)
Editor: The essays ranged from funny and self-deprecating to poignant and heart-warming, and our panel of judges had their work cut out for them.
Writers: Unfortunately, your humor article, while self-deprecating, was not even the least bit funny. Seriously, do you understand what comedy is? Have you ever even heard the sound of real laughter? What were you thinking when you submitted this? Didn’t you read the winning entries from previous years? Yours wasn’t even close! Go back to copywriting.
Editor: Unfortunately, your essay was not chosen and if you received comments from your judges, I will pass them along as soon as I’m able.
Writers: We had so many tidbits of constructive criticism that our comments were longer than the actual article you submitted. Also, we’ve ordered you a copy of the latest edition of Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer, as you obviously need to master some of the fundamentals of good humor writing. Please, be generous with your use of a highlighter, don’t skip “Chapter 3: The Recipe for Humor” and dog-ear as many pages as necessary. In fact, you might benefit from a humor tutor. Please allow us to hook you up with this year’s contest winners.
Editor: To see a complete list of this year’s winning entries, please visit the library’s website.
Writers: To get a feel for real humor, please carefully ready these winning entries. Better yet, print them out, grab a pen and take copious notes on what makes people laugh. These writers know their stuff. You, apparently, do not. I’m almost embarrassed for you.
Editor: Good luck in 2018!
Writers: Please, we beg you—do not bother with this contest next time, as we only want to read Erma-worthy material. Don’t discredit her good name by submitting anything resembling the mediocre piece you submitted this year. In fact, we’ll probably remove you from our mailing list so you don’t know the details for 2018. But if, in fact, you do decide to submit next time, please note that you have two entire years to improve your writing. Use it wisely. Reading through Erma’s At Wit’s End, binge-watch Seinfeld, go see a few stand-up comedians, watch the original cast of Saturday Night Live, follow Tina Fey on Twitter—whatever it takes. But, for the love of all things funny, please don’t subject us to your witless writing again.
you’re in my brain! perfect!
What a great post! I love the humorous angle you took whilst still making some excellent points. The way you broke down the rejection email was pure gold – I’d love to see you send the editors of the contest THAT (and maybe with a picture of the middle finger or would that be considered too rude?!)! Fab writing
I love your funny take on the rejection letters, I generally get ….. back. It does hurt, even if you have all the confidence in the world!
Chloe, hearing crickets is the worst. I’d rather get a rejection letter than nothing. Looks like I got my wish with Erma.
I hate to always see the glass half full, always see the donut and never the hole, always see the silver lining – I hate that I’m always THAT GIRL..but today I’m just giving thanks that Lisa didn’t win the Erma competition (I didn’t either by the way) Because if she had, none of us would have the level of POWERFUL SELF INSIGHT we gleaned from her wisdom today. I feel a little less alone in the world today.
Amen, Amen, Amem.
Ha! I love that…always see the donut and never the hole. Glad I could be the group leader for “healing our rejection woes” today.
Yes this all dang day!
I’m sensing a trend here with all the comments. Maybe we need to form a writer’s posse so we can hang tough together. 😉
Wonderful! I particularly like the rejections where they say, feel free to submit to us again. Why? So you can remove the blade from my heart and plunge it deeper next time?
Haha! Yes! I feel the exact same way. Just our self-doubt rearing its ugly head, right?
Totally.
Fabulous! Erma would be proud, you funny lady, you!
Thanks, Kate! Love Erma.
You have captured my thoughts as I read my Erma rejection letter. I had practiced my acceptance speech so many times I was caught by surprise by the email. How did you manage to worm your way into my thoughts and feelings? I’m sure your entry was hilarious as was mine!!
Molly, I tried so hard not to get my hopes up, yet I was SO excited when I got that email. My excitement lasted about 1.5 seconds, but still, it was a momentary thrill. (I feel like the Oscar losers. “It was a thrill just to be nominated/rejected.”)
I’m laughing! I’m laughing. So what the hell does the Editor know.
Haha! Doesn’t matter what the editor knows. She’s the one with all the power. Nevertheless, I keep plugging away at my little humor blog and submitting pieces to other sites/publications and reveling in the “yeses” I do receive.
*I’m* laughing thankyouverymuch!!
And you’re right…it’s all in what we make it mean and how we interpret comments and rejection.
Glad I could make you chuckle, Karen. Sometimes, how we interpret a rejection depends on the kind of week we’re having. On Monday, I started with two pieces accepted. Tues. & Wed., crickets from many places which I’m awaiting a response. And then came my rejection email. 😉
This is spot on. Especially the highs and lows!
Thanks, Sharon! My Erma rejection was my low for the week, so I’m waiting for the high to hit by Friday so I can end the week on a good note.
I loved this! Writing is so subjective. I have enough rejections to wallpaper several rooms in my house.
Thanks, Janie! Yep, rejections can take the wind out of your sail real quick, even after many years of experience and published work.
Omg!! Submit that in 2018. Or wait, is this really the winning 2016 entry? I laughed so hard I think yesterday’s migraine came back.
Thanks, Leslie! No, I didn’t submit this one. I literally used the exact words from the email rejection I received yesterday. But glad it made you laugh.
Oh, I feel you! Great post that captures the angst we all go through. And it also demonstrates what makes you so good!
Aw, thanks Roxanne! I figured I wouldn’t win, but I had to at least try.